Asking the most important nine-word Manchester United question ever

There is some nonsense about JJ Gabriel, Arsenal and Granit Xhaka, but it all pales in comparison to an important Manchester United question.

Finally, someone has asked what we’re all thinking.

Norway, Jose
With JJ Gabriel and his family apparently coming to the belated realisation that Manchester United are not particularly good, it is of the absolute utmost importance that another actual child fills that quite weirdly obsessive void.

On which note, The Sun website offers this:

‘Man Utd scout ‘Norwegian JJ Gabriel’, 15, days after ‘Kid Messi’ handed in transfer request’

It is perfectly normal stuff to give 15-year-old footballers who haven’t played a single senior game demonym variants.

And then there’s this Daily Mirror website effort:

‘Man Utd line up ‘next Gabriel’ as replacement after transfer request made’

It is perfectly normal stuff to describe a 15-year-old as the ‘next’ version of another 15-year-old, and to use quote marks around something no-one has actually said.

Wouldn’t it be great if people stopped talked about actual children in such weird ways?

Private eye
Beyond trying to find ‘replacements’ for players who have never played for them, Manchester United have a few other issues to sort.

Things are getting on top of Michael Carrick, and thankfully the Daily Mirror website is on hand to give us this stunning inside information:

‘Michael Carrick’s private Man Utd feelings explained by former team-mate’

Over to you, Paul Scholes:

“I reckon behind the scenes he thinks he’s been let down.”

Ah. That’s a bit more ‘Michael Carrick’s quite obvious private Man Utd feelings completely guessed by former team-mate’.

Deac head
And in more Manchester United news, we have this – the most Daily Telegraph headline of all:

‘Why do Man Utd have a Muslim supporters’ group?’

Credit to Michael Deacon for branching out and writing about football for what appears to be the first time. In all fairness, he has been busy writing Very Important Things such as these recently:

‘Slim, beautiful women are back in fashion. Thank God for that’

‘Why is the NHS giving free condoms to asylum seekers?’

‘Fathers shouldn’t have to tell their children they love them’

‘Diane Abbott should pay reparations’

‘What if the far right start wearing the burqa’

But yes, why do Man Utd have a Muslim supporters’ group? Why is this thing that doesn’t impact me in the slightest but could be beneficial to a great many people a thing?

Deacon thankfully quickly writes that ‘obviously there’s nothing wrong with Muslims supporting Man Utd’. Good to clear that up early on. Some of his best Muslims support Man Utd.

But oh, what’s this?

‘Unlike pork, alcohol and being married to more than four women at once, the 13-time FA Cup winners are not considered haram.

‘What I don’t understand is the purpose of a Muslim supporters’ club – and I would say exactly the same about, say, a Man Utd Buddhist Supporters’ Club, or a Man Utd Zoroastrian Supporters’ Club. Because I simply can’t see a link between football and any given religion.

‘So what is such a club for? Do its members meet up to discuss their team’s tactics from a theological standpoint?

‘”The Koran leaves no room for doubt. It is Allah’s will that we switch to a back three with attacking wing-backs.”

‘”Sacrilege! The divine formation is 4-2-3-1, and eternal damnation awaits the infidel who dares propose the use of a false nine instead of a traditional centre-forward!”‘

It’s missing a dig at the BBC and Gary Lineker, but fair play for writing an article that could only possibly be published by the Telegraph.

And the actual answer to the question ‘Why do Man Utd have a Muslim supporters’ group?’

Because of people like you, Michael Deacon.

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice
With Gary Neville typically at the forefront, the topic from the Premier League weekend appears to be running, and whether certain teams do enough of it.

Ian Ladyman of the Daily Mail believes that was part of Arsenal’s downfall against Brighton:

‘But they were outrun and outfought by their opponents.’

Pesky fact: Arsenal covered more distance (119.5km to 118.4km) and ran further (26.7km) than Brighton (25.9km).

You could technically suggest Arsenal were outsprinted – 2.1km to 1.9km – but even the number of sprints was the same (95 each).

Arsenal were well beaten and Brighton were phenomenal both tactically and physically; boiling it down to the Gunners being ‘outrun’ does them a disservice.

But Ladyman persists:

‘Arteta’s squad is frighteningly good. He has the type of quality on the bench that is reminiscent of peak City under Pep Guardiola. In these days of five substitutes, it is arguably the biggest advantage they have.

‘None of it means much if you don’t run, though.’

They did run. More so than their opponents. Brighton were just significantly better and more focused with their running.

The Kost of living
The Sun website has produced a lengthy read which pledges to go ‘inside rise of Babis Kostoulas’, the latest absurdly good Brighton player who helped dismantle those lazy Arsenal sods.

It is a perfectly fine article which achieves its purpose, but Mediawatch must take umbrage with one line about the striker’s father:

‘Thanasis, 50, won seven league titles and two domestic Doubles with Olympiacos, where he amassed a total of one goal in 202 appearances during an eight-year run until 2007, when Babis was born.’

You cannot, under any circumstances, ‘amass’ one goal.

Xhak it off
‘Xhaka facing jail over fake Covid certificate as ace issues grovelling apology’ is quite the headline from The Sun website.

Yet by the first paragraph, a man ‘facing jail’ now just ‘could face a whopping fine or even potential PRISON time’.

It is not until the 21st paragraph that we are told how ‘forging documents in Switzerland is subject to severe penalties, with large fines or imprisonment of up to five years’.

And nine paragraphs after that, the case of Switzerland men’s ice hockey coach, who similarly used a fake Covid certificate to continue working, is cited; he was given only a fine by a criminal court.

So it doesn’t particularly sound as though Granit Xhaka is ‘facing jail’.

Ram with faint praise
‘Former Premier League star banned from football for FOUR YEARS for doping – and he faces jail term’ – The Sun website.

A shiny penny for anyone who can remember which two teams ‘former Premier League star’ Ramadan Sobhi made his 45 career appearances for.

Hart broken
Ian Ladyman argues with his whole chest that Joe Hart ‘has established himself as the best pundit in the country’. And while Hart is certainly very good at what he does, it’s not the sort of thing Mediawatch really cares to hold too much of an opinion on.

But this is quite the line:

‘The question is: Will the BBC be able to afford to keep him?’

Can the BBC afford Joe Hart? Probably.