FA take shocking action with Tuchel ‘probe’ over England’s World Cup performance

The FA will hold an entirely normal and standard performance review into Thomas Tuchel and England’s World Cup, because obviously.

Imagine how weird it would be if they didn’t. Almost as weird as pretending it is a ‘probe’ or ‘inquest’.

Hail to the BUS DRIVER

Mediawatch will always be grateful to experience an England exit from a major tournament that doesn’t include the national scapegoating and abusing of one or a handful of players.

It is depressingly refreshing to see Jude Bellingham front and centre of some of the coverage, but being praised and consoled rather than chastised for buying his mum a house or, basically, being black.

But this is a slightly weird headline to see atop The Sun website:

‘Jude Bellingham breaks silence on England World Cup exit with emotional poem from team BUS DRIVER’

Not sure what the incredulous shouting is supposed to signify. Are we supposed to be indignant that Bellingham couldn’t vocalise his own thoughts? That he and the England team have needed a BUS DRIVER for their absurd amount of travelling this summer? That a BUS DRIVER is capable of writing an emotional poem?

Dunno. But yeah, we’ll take it over calling him a ‘footie idiot’ or other such nonsense.

Hey, Jude

Mind you, perhaps Bellingham is a bit of a silly boy who ‘could face Fifa ban for SLAPPING Argentina ace in World Cup loss’.

The Caps Lock is certainly in fine working order over at The Sun, with Martin Lipton revealing that England’s star ‘could face Fifa action’ for that post-match ‘altercation’ with Valentin Barco.

It is important to note, at this stage, that he absolutely could. And that a few other outlets have done similar stories. And also that he probably won’t face any such punishment, as Martin Lipton clarifies 11 sodding paragraphs in:

‘It is more likely, though, that Fifa will choose to let the incident pass without any action.

‘Alternatively, Bellingham could be hit with a fine – which might be suspended.’

‘Bellingham could face ban but probably won’t’ is, in all fairness, a fairly unwieldy headline. But also far more accurate, which does sometimes feel important.

Lip service

Lipton writes elsewhere in The Sun of Thomas Tuchel and England fans:

‘They have peeked behind the curtain and seen the Wizard is not all-powerful, that he has all the weaknesses of his predecessors.

‘Certainly not among the fans, who came to the USA believing England were in the hands of a managerial Messiah.’

Erm…did they?

On review

The man who England supporters definitely believed to be ‘a managerial Messiah’ is set for a potentially uncomfortable few days as, according to The Times:

‘The FA will conduct a full review of England’s World Cup campaign before providing a more detailed assessment of Thomas Tuchel’s performance as head coach.’

We say ‘according to The Times’, but really it’s just according to common sense and precisely the same thing every team does after every tournament.

If England went out in the group stage, the last 32 or the final, or even if they won the sodding thing, there would have been a full FA review and assessment of the manager.

It seems fairly obvious that ‘there will be a process by which they reflect on the circumstances’ of what happened. Imagine, for a second, the opposite: that the FA collectively decided to just completely ignore it altogether.

And this is no criticism of Matt Lawton and The Times for reporting on something that is going to happen, more a note to say that some people will always take that ball and run with it square into clickbaitville.

Put that through the tabloid sensationalism machine and you get The Sun website reporting that the FA is ‘set to launch a probe’, or the Daily Mirror website calling it an ‘FA inquest despite under-fire England boss’ Euro 2028 vow’.

Both of which really do imply Tuchel did something rather more questionable and morally controversial than avoidably and infuriatingly lose a World Cup semi-final.

Definitely up for changing the wording of ‘arranging an entirely standard performance review’ to ‘set to launch of probe’ or ‘inquest’, mind.

Leaky blinders

Some Manchester United-based silliness now, with two curious headlines.

First, the Manchester Evening News with this:

‘Andrey Santos leaks what Cole Palmer told him straight after Man United transfer’

‘Leaks’, FFS. ‘Reveals’ is a bit rubbish and basic but at least it doesn’t suggest that Andrey Santos accidentally divulged some top-secret information, like a team-mate wishing him well at his next club.

And then this from the Daily Express website:

‘Man Utd forced to surrender millions of pounds immediately after Mason Greenwood transfer’

It’s a contractually stipulated sell-on clause, not a tax evasion charge.

Good day, old Chap

‘Mark Chapman forced to leave BBC’s World Cup coverage before showpiece final’ – Daily Express website.

‘Forced to leave’ is a particularly strange way of saying that he’ll be covering the golf for the BBC instead this weekend, in a plan that has been publicly known for well over a month at the very least.

He’s not being ‘forced to leave’. He’s doing his bloody job.

But this is just pure, unadulterated, phenomenal, very possibly AI nonsense from Wales Online:

‘Mark Chapman leaves World Cup with immediate effect as Gabby Logan steps in’

Yes. Mark Chapman is a sacked Premier League manager and Gabby Logan has come in as caretaker for the World Cup final. That is what has happened.