Arsenal title win null and void on basis of 9th place in F365 table that matters more
Arsenal may be leading the table, and – as it turns out – quite a lot of other tables as well, but Bournemouth, Crystal Palace, Brighton and others get their dues as we bring you the leaders of various F365 tables, including one which we firmly believe should render any Arsenal title win null and void should they carry on as they are.
Form table: Bournemouth
We’ve gone for the last six games to draw attention to Andoni Iraola and Bournemouth’s brilliance, which excludes only the opening game of the season and the late show from Liverpool which denied them a point which would now see them level with the reigning champions.
Big chances created: Manchester City
Kevin De Bruyne, Kevin De Schmuyne – City are creating more big chances than anyone else, though fair f***s to Crystal Palace for being hot on their heels having lost Michael Olise and Eberechi Eze in the last two summer windows.
Meanwhile that all-new front three isn’t making a great deal of difference to Manchester United’s attacking output and we don’t quite know how Thomas Frank has led Spurs to third with that level of creativity.
Table when scoring first: Liverpool
Five wins from five when they’ve taken the lead; two defeats from two when they’ve gone behind.
Table when conceding first: Brighton
The only possible conclusion to draw from Brighton winning seven of their nine points having conceded the first goal is that they’re better off going behind.
Table after 90 minutes: Arsenal
Three goals to claim three wins in stoppage time really is quite the show of character and resilience in just seven Premier League games. The ‘table by custom match period’ might just be our favourite.
Table on 9th September: Liverpool
Three wins from three for Arne Slot’s side on a date which marks the point Ange Postecoglou was appointed Nottingham Forest manager. Note their position in the top half here, with just one fewer point than they now have in 17th place.
Open play goals: Manchester City
No surprise here that the Premier League’s top scorers (15) also have the most open play goals (13) with their striker automaton in the form of his already abnormal footballing life. The point of interest here is Arsenal, who are now title favourites having leapfrogged Liverpool at the top of the table despite scoring a paltry five goals from open play in seven games.
The Gunners fans will claim they don’t care how they win the title, but we thoroughly look forward to the boring, boring Arsenal discourse that’s sure to gain momentum if they continue to rely so heavily on winning games of football from set pieces, ahead of the very firm beliefs of all rival fans that any prospective title win doesn’t actually count on that basis.
Ruben Amorim tenure table: Arsenal
We’re approaching that full season of Amorim that we were told Sir Jim Ratcliffe would make his judgement of the Portuguese boss upon before the Man Utd chief wisely reneged on that idea when he realised the very best hope of a tenth-placed finish wouldn’t be anything to shout about.
Clean sheets: Newcastle
And Nick Pope would have been watching James Trafford from the bench had it not been for the intervention from Manchester City to hijack the deal for a goalkeeper they don’t need.
First half table: Crystal Palace
They’re yet to even concede a goal before half time.
Second half table: Arsenal
The Gunners are bullying teams into submission after the break but Liverpool are perhaps most notable here. They conceded just 21 goals in the second half of games in the whole of last season as Arne Slot and the Reds were roundly praised for the way they would control and snuff out games, but they’ve already shipped seven this term.
Wins to nil: Arsenal
“1-0/5-0/3-0/2-0 to the Arsenal.” Bound to be the case with the best defence in the Premier League, probably the best goalkeeper and enough giants to head a ball in from a cross or long throw.
Table vs top half: Liverpool
Hard to make any real conclusions on this one after seven games other than some teams having easier rides so far than others. Burnley and West Ham, for example, have been f***ed over by the fixture computer early doors, while Tottenham could be set to plummet down the table.
Table vs bottom half: Arsenal
Not just a flat-track bully for a striker but a team of them, as it turns out.
Corners won: Arsenal
Of course – they play for them. We wonder at what stage of the season we’ll see Eberechi Eze pick the ball up in a promising central position, dribble towards the corner flag, wait for a defender to catch up with him before booting it against him and out for a corner, presumably to roars from the Emirates crowd.
Possession: Liverpool
This doesn’t seem all that notable until you consider that Manchester City have had the most average possession in the Premier League in every previous season with Pep Guardiola as manager, always above 60 per cent, normally over 65.
All-time Premier League table: Manchester United
“Yanited, Yanited, Yanited.”
Full table: Arsenal
Top of the table that matters, not that they’re thinking about it or bothered in any way, for fear of the weight of expectation crushing them to the point where their team of giants can’t score two-thirds of their goals from set pieces.