Martin Odegaard ‘agreement reached’ as ‘boring’ Arsenal capitalise on set-piece dominance

There’s some piping hot Arsenal transfer news that, to the surprise of absolutely nobody, turns out to be nothing of the sort.

Then there’s an audacious attempt to sell the idea of something becoming less likely to happen as in fact being ‘almost certain’.

And last but by no means least a new arrival in the ways to describe a team top of the league that Mediawatch is not having for one single second. Enjoy.

Agree to disagree

We complain about them a lot, but Mediawatch secretly loves the most absolute sh*thouse headlines thrown out there by your Mirrors, your Stars and The Suns of this world.

In the best examples, one has little choice but to admire the artistry, the sheer finesse with which disparate elements can be stitched together to create one entirely disingenuous and deliberately, provocatively misleading whole.

Sure, it’s an insult to your readers and a tacit reminder that you care so little about them that you will do quite literally anything to hoodwink them out of a click, but terrible things can still be possessed of a kind of greatness.

Which brings us to this Mirror headline, that is in one way pure evil yet in another quite simply magnificent.

Arsenal news: Martin Odegaard agreement reached as transfer causes disbelief

As seasoned headline watchers, you’ll already know what this story definitely isn’t. Obviously, the one thing you know from that headline is that the story that follows will absolutely not be about a Martin Odegaard transfer agreement being reached that causes disbelief.

That we can rule out, but what, precisely, do we need to rule in?

First of all, the word ‘transfer’ later in the headline is performing a vital yet dare we say quite subtle act of misdirection. The sight of that word instantly leads us down a particular path with what ‘agreement reached’ might mean. We’re instantly thinking of transfer agreements, aren’t we?

But do you know what else an agreement can be? Literally absolutely f*cking anything where two or more people have the same opinion on a thing.

And in various places Rio Ferdinand, Wayne Rooney, Jamie Carragher and Gary Neville have all said, in the wake of Eberechi Eze’s hat-trick in the North London Derby, that Martin Odegaard is no longer a certain starter for Arsenal when fit. Or words to that effect.

So what have they done there? They’ve agreed, haven’t they? They’ve reached an agreement about Martin Odegaard.

You see how clever this is now.

And the transfer causing disbelief? The specifics scarcely matter. It only merits mention at all to lead you down the garden path for the all-important Odegaard agreement. But for the sake of completeness: Lee Dixon is surprised Kepa Arrizabalaga agreed to join Arsenal to be back-up keeper.

So there you have it. A headline that looks for all the world like it’s about a shock Martin Odegaard transfer agreement is in fact some pundits having the same obvious opinion about a thing and another pundit saying something unremarkable about a completely different player.

It’s art, is what it is.

Draw comfort

Less than two weeks before the World Cup draw takes place, FIFA have finally spotted a pretty obvious wrinkle from their move to 48 teams: that 12 groups means 12 group winners and thus the simple mathematical necessity for some of those group winners to be on course to meet as early as the last 16.

That created the very real prospect of two of your Argentinas or your Spains or the Frances of this world winning all their games imperiously yet still crashing into each other at that early stage.

Obviously, that would be tremendous fun. But the World Cup isn’t about tremendous fun; it’s about cold hard cash and that means keeping as many of the big teams safe from knocking each other out for as long as humanly possible without completely abandoning all pretence of sporting integrity altogether.

The solution? The top four countries on the current rankings will now be fully seeded and placed into the draw in such a way that will keep them apart until the semi-finals as long as they all behave themselves and win their first-round groups.

The big significance there is that the interloper joining that trio comprising the last two World Cup winners and reigning European champions is none other than merry old England’s brave boys themselves.

And The Sun have covered this impeccably. Their story on the changes, what they mean and how they work cannot be faulted. We say this just so you understand the sheer extent of the housery involved in then sticking this headline atop it:

England almost certain to face Argentina or Spain in World Cup after draw change

They know exactly what they’re doing with that headline. What they will claim to be saying is that England will now find themselves seeded on a path to face one of those two in the semi-finals, with the ‘almost’ a reference to the need for each team involved to win their groups like they ought to. What they know full well it actually says to anyone innocently passing who hasn’t read up on this is that England are somehow ‘almost certain’ to be drawn against one of those two in the group stage. Because of some ‘draw change’.

England are quite simply not ‘almost certain’ to face Argentina or Spain. They are, if anything, less likely to do so ‘after draw change’ than they were before it because, again, if they all win their groups that now can’t possibly happen before the semi-finals. And the story itself makes this entirely clear.

The second paragraph even calls it ‘a huge advantage’ for Thomas Tuchel’s side. But don’t let that stop you putting it under a headline suggesting the sky is falling.

As a general rule, you know you’ve crossed a headline Rubicon when even the Reach titles aren’t playing the same game you are.

And the Mirror have gone with: ‘England’s World Cup hopes given huge boost as FIFA confirm radical change’. Which is true.

Missing words round

A fun game Mediawatch likes to play just to keep itself busy is trying to guess what the crucial missing words might be that, when added again, turn a salacious story back to its humdrum near irrelevant reality.

Today’s game comes from the Mirror.

Man Utd star brutally told he ‘doesn’t fit’ into Ruben Amorim’s plans after Everton loss

Anyone?

Yes, that’s right. The missing words on this occasion are ‘Joshua Zirkzee’ and ‘by Michael Owen’. Thanks for playing.

Title deeds

Bit of mischief from the Daily Mail with this headline.

Harry Kane says title toppers Arsenal are capitalising on a boring Premier League dominated by set-pieces

You’ll all be shocked and appalled to learn that Kane, one of the very best players in the world but never knowingly an interesting public speaker, did not in fact use the very loaded word ‘boring’ to describe this season’s Premier League.

His actual quotes are quite steamy by Kane’s own standards, but still not at the levels of the headline:

“Watching the Premier League is probably a little less enjoyable than what it has been in recent years, to be honest, but that’s kind of the evolution of football.

“Sometimes it comes in like this and that’s the case this year. Arsenal have capitalised on that and are a really strong set-plays team.”

He then goes on to praise all sorts of other things about Arsenal’s development and improvement over the last couple of years.

But we’re not interested in any of that noise. We’re interested in ‘title topper’. That’s… not right, is it? Table toppers, sure. Title favourites, absolutely. But we’re not having ‘title toppers’ one little bit. Sounds absurd.