Celebration Police get a kicking as Arsenal reach CL final and supercomputer support rolls in
There are predictable responses to Arsenal’s Champions League semi-final win against Atletico Madrid, but a welcome shift in the tone of the coverage of those responses.
And there’s even more good news for Arsenal – although all is not as it seems in the latest supercomputer-generated final Premier League table.
And there are apparently still a few drops of content to be wrung out of desperately pretending Casemiro might be about to do a u-turn on his Man United future.
Watching The Watchmen
Mediawatch notices a subtle yet welcome shift in the broad tone of coverage around Arsenal’s celebrations after they narrowly beat an elite European team to reach the actual Champions League final.
The tone is much, much more one of policing those policing said celebrations than of indulging in celebration policing itself.
This is enormously welcome. Celebration policing is always bad, mean-spirited and joyless. It is usually also disingenuous. Especially if it’s prefaced with ‘I don’t like the Celebration Police but…’
Your views on disapproving of the Celebration Police are, really, like those on approving of free speech. If your position changes because you don’t care for who’s involved, you were never really on board.
You don’t have to enjoy the sight of Arsenal celebrating as they reach the Champions League final, but you must defend to the death their right to do it, basically.
You can’t, for instance, say you hate the Celebration Police right up until the moment Xavi Simons scores a brilliant goal in a huge game for Spurs after a hugely difficult and frustrating season, mentioning no podcasts.
Luckily for Mediawatch, this is one issue where our conscience is entirely clear. We have never and will never back Celebration Policing. Dreary sorts behaving drearily, always.
And while it isn’t always Arsenal on the receiving end, it is for myriad reasons Arsenal on the receiving end in a disproportionate number of instances.
We are supremely confident that had, say, Man United reached the Champions League final they would a) have celebrated precisely in the righteously giddy and excited manner Arsenal did and b) attracted no opprobrium from Wayne Rooney for doing so.
“They deserve to be in this position but they haven’t won it yet,” he buzzkilled on Prime straight after one of the biggest European nights in Arsenal’s history. “I think the celebrations are a little bit too much. Celebrate when you win!”
They did win, Wayne. It’s the usual old sh*te that shouldn’t even merit serious analysis. The idea that absolutely nothing short of winning the actual Champions League itself is worthy of celebration is so preposterous it should be ignored or mocked.
Previously, though, Mediawatch has seen plenty of po-faced reporting of similar Celebration Police findings. We’re delighted to report the Mirror have taken the mocking route today and we are entirely here for it.
CALL THE CELEBRATION POLICE! Rooney takes aim at Arsenal and says reaction to reaching Champions League final was a ‘little much’
The standfirst warms further to the theme.
Arsenal made it a famous night at the Emirates as they beat Atletico Madrid 1-0 to reach the Champions League final – and the celebration police were soon out in force
More of this kind of thing. Keep it up until all members of the Celebration Police have to acknowledge who and what they are whenever and wherever they engage in it.
Everyone else, meanwhile, can carry on celebrating joyously and righteously when good things happen to their teams. It’s easy to forget yet vital we don’t: this is football and it is supposed to be fun.
As Ian Wright put it in a suitably jubilant social media video last night:
— Ian Wright (@IanWright0) May 5, 2026
“The celebration police will be out in force, do not get nicked!
“Enjoy yourselves, football’s about moments and this is a big moment. Enjoy it.”
Which allowed even the Daily Mail to land for once on the side of righteousness by cramming absolutely everything into one pointed yet interminably lengthy headline, as is their wont.
Wayne Rooney accuses Arsenal of over-celebrating after Gunners reached Champions League final – as Ian Wright tells jubilant fans: ‘Don’t get nicked by the celebration police!’
Obviously the Daily Mail being the Daily Mail, they can’t just have the win and have still insisted on changing Wright’s words around but keeping the quote marks in.
An odd choice, and one inexplicably mimicked by The Sun.
Wayne Rooney taunts Arsenal over party after Atletico win but Wright hits back ‘don’t get nicked by celebration police’.
Mediawatch remains a determined member of the Quote Marks Police.
Case closed
There was already quite p*ss-taking levels of milking going on yesterday with hints and nudges and winks about the zero per cent chance of a Casemiro u-turn on his decision to leave Manchester United.
But it’s escalated further today, with the Mirror finding some (surely) last few drops to wring out of a story that has been done and settled and over for really quite some time now.
Casemiro shares stance on staying at Man Utd after Matheus Cunha teased transfer U-turn
Unless the subsequent intro is the exact opposite of what we expect and know it to be we’re going to be very disappointed. Not angry, just disappointed.
Casemiro has confirmed there is “no chance” he will remain at Manchester United.
FFS.
Yet their Reach stablemates over at the MEN might take the cake on this one.
Casemiro breaks silence on Man United exit U-turn talk after Matheus Cunha asks him to stay
Breaks his silence to repeat exactly the same, consistent position he has consistently expressed every time he’s been asked about it all year.
After Eight
Another day, another supercomputer-compiled final Premier League table. The sheer quantity of energy the poor buggers have expended on saying ‘Arsenal’ and then ‘Okay, maybe City’ and now ‘No, Arsenal, definitely Arsenal’ over just the last month must be off the charts.
We’re really not sure there’s any great need. This latest effort brings breathless coverage from The Sun, who excitedly report:
Premier League title will be won by SINGLE GOAL according to supercomputer as final table predicted after Man City draw
It’s true, the supercomputer does indeed have Arsenal getting over the line by a single goal on goal difference after both they and City finish the season with 83 points.
But given the fineness of those margins, this is alas one occasion where we would in fact urge Arsenal not to start celebrating just yet. Not because we wish to police them; just because we’re not sure we’d really be placing too much – or indeed any – weight on the predictions of a supercomputer that has Liverpool picking up eight points from their last three games.