Manchester United get ‘green light’ for deal Ratcliffe would literally never sanction
Arsenal should probably be stripped of their Premier League title, while Manchester United have a ‘green light’ to do something stupid.
We also have some ‘true colours’ from Declan Rice.
It can only be Mediawatch.
Pep talk
Not having ‘the Spanish tiki-taka legend’ as a second mention for Pep Guardiola in The Sun in big 2026. Or indeed ever.
What do we think of TOTTENHAM?
Reader, please find some suitable seating. For this headline elsewhere on The Sun website is as shocking as it is pearl-clutchingly upsetting:
‘Inside Arsenal’s trophy celebrations with stars partying with TOTTENHAM players as they visit two exclusive nightclubs’
With TOTTENHAM players, you say? Probably worth stripping Arsenal of the title and demoting them into the Southern Amateur League.
An absolutely stunning deployment of ‘despite’ here:
‘Despite the fierce rivalry between the two North London clubs, SunSport was told both sets of players partied together into the early hours of the Bank Holiday morning.’
You mean Kai Havertz didn’t knock Richarlison out before screaming ‘North London is red’ in his face? That groups of presumably vaguely mature and sensible adults with one very clear and obvious thing in common don’t hate each other even though they play for different football clubs?
Woke nonsense.
Punch drunk
Mediawatch sort of understands what Oliver Holt is getting at when describing the Champions League final as ‘like a free hit now’ for Arsenal, but also no. Because it’s the sodding Champions League final.
He goes on to suggest the Premier League champions, unbeaten in Europe this season and quite clearly one of the best teams in the world, if not the outright best, have ‘a puncher’s chance of causing an upset’ against Paris Saint-Germain.
PSG are certainly favourites, but not overwhelmingly so. It’s just a strange way of talking about a relatively even game.
Mo problems
As Andy Dunn writes in the Daily Mirror:
‘And Salah duly obliged. He looked a fraction offside before providing a lovely assist for Curtis Jones but VAR got into the spirit of things and allowed the goal to stand.’
Not sure a teary-eyed VAR was feeling romantic and decided to let it go. Pretty sure Salah was just onside.
You with the sad eyes
Declan Rice rubs some people up the wrong way. Odd people, it has to be said. The sort who think everything he does is performative.
And that’s fine. The Daily Express website was likely fully aware of that when it concocted this headline:
‘Declan Rice shows true colours when caught on camera during Arsenal title celebrations’
Rice showing his true colours is manna from the heavens for some. What was he ‘caught on camera’ doing? Please don’t tell us he saw a Manchester City logo on the pitch and decided to trample all over it.
Nope. He just got quite frustrated after learning that former club West Ham had been relegated. Or you might say he ‘appeared to be furious’, because relentless tabloidspeak is very stupid.
Direct to video
A quick poll: how many times did Jarrod Bowen mention Manchester United in the wake of West Ham’s relegation? Would’ve been hilariously weird, wouldn’t it?
Yet according to the Daily Express website…
‘Jarrod Bowen sends direct message to Man Utd after Tottenham’s transfer favour’
That ‘direct message’ sent directly to Manchester United was that he is “under contract here”, that “you never know what the future holds” and that “for me, I want to get this club back in the Premier League”.
Are you listening, Manchester United? You apparently should be, although Mediawatch is mildly bemused as to why.
Rob blind
One stable of websites is particularly invested in Manchester United signing Robert Lewandowski, for whatever reason.
The first clue that it would be an absurd thing to do right now is that Rio Ferdinand thinks they should.
But so does Jake Bayliss, and his words adorn each of the following:
‘Michael Carrick has green light to sign one of world’s most prolific strikers for Man Utd’ – Daily Mirror website.
‘Man Utd handed chance to sign world-class striker without paying a single penny’ – Daily Express website.
‘Man United handed transfer green light to sign world-class striker for free’ – Manchester Evening News.
The ‘green light’, by the way, is literally that Lewandowski is going to be released this summer.
Lewandowski is indeed ‘yet to pit his wits in English football’ – not sure what that means but it’s provocative and gets the people going – and will be available as a free agent this summer after leaving Barcelona.
But the idea Manchester United can sign him ‘without paying a single penny’ is a touch disingenuous. While there would be no transfer fee, Lewandowski rejected a pay cut at Barcelona so is unlikely to settle for much less than an absurd wage at Old Trafford.
Not sure even the famously lavish, not at all cost-cutting Sir Jim Ratcliffe will be happily green-lighting signing a 37-year-old on well upwards of £400,000 a week, even before a signing-on fee is taken into account.
This is the best bit, championing a transfer that Manchester United won’t make and would be stupid to make, and anyone with even a passing knowledge of this current iteration of Manchester United knows Manchester United shouldn’t and won’t make:
‘It is a blueprint United have followed on several occasions in recent years. Zlatan Ibrahimovic made an immediate impact, Edinson Cavani became a firm fan favourite and Cristiano Ronaldo scored 27 goals in 54 appearances before his second stint at the club drew to a close.’
