Xavi or Glasner to replace irredeemably bald Maresca? Five Chelsea manager contenders

We’ve seen a lot of people sharing the video of Enzo Maresca making three substitutions in the first 21 minutes against Manchester United, but we’ve worked with Premier League managers for 20 years and they only behave like this when they are very distressed.

It’s not cute or fun, it’s an omen of a manager fraying at the edges and a sure sign of impending doom.

It might not be the first sign or the last sign, but when it comes time to lament another manager’s Stamford Bridge departure it’s going to be considered a key staging post.

In truth, Enzo Maresca has always been simply too bald for this job. No good or successful Chelsea manager has ever been bald. They’ve always had fine heads of hair. Not necessarily their own hair, but hair nonetheless. From Jose Mourinho, to Antonio Conte, to Thomas Tuchel just about, to Mauricio Pochettino and Andre Villas-Boas, Chelsea have always looked at their best under a more hirsute manager.

Maresca came in with no big-league experience, played down their title chances last season in grimly self-fulfilling style after a fine start, and moved to shoot down the title contender chat this season by not even doing the fine start bit. You can’t go around minimising expectations at a club that spends more money than some medium-sized countries, and winning the Europa Conference and Trump World Cup hasn’t really done much to move the needle for Maresca either, really.

So who are the current unbald contenders who could come in and replace the now surely doomed world champion manager Maresca? These lads, we reckon.

5. Simone Inzaghi

Has been strongly linked with Chelsea before, and it just feels like a Chelsea-style appointment despite Inzaghi’s scant knowledge of Our League.

Did knock Man City out of the Club World Cup with Al-Hilal, but it would be a bit mischievous of Chelsea to start giving high levels of importance to Club World Cup results when looking to replace the manager who won it.

We still do, for now, think that managers who toddle off to Saudi for all the coin are more gettable than those in position at other decent jobs in Europe. One day that might change, but rightly or wrongly we do reckon that if Chelsea did want Inzaghi, they would get him.

4. Mauricio Pochettino

He was just beginning to crack it when Chelsea moved him on in favour of the less qualified but far more pliable Maresca. Why not take the opportunity to put that right and give Pochettino the chance to complete his unfinished business at one London club at least. Because he probably has p*ssed on his chips with regard to finishing his unfinished business at Spurs.

It’s absolutely fine – encouraged, even, and at times seemingly mandatory – to go from being Chelsea manager to Tottenham manager but apparently less so to go Tottenham manager to Chelsea manager and back again. We don’t make the rules.

It would, you’d imagine, take quite a bit to lure him away from the United States just months out from a home World Cup, but Chelsea do have quite a bit with which to attempt such a luring.

For avoidance of doubt. Money. We’re talking about money.

3. Oliver Glasner

Does rather feel like Glasner is going to have at least one if not two ethical quandaries to ponder over the weeks and months ahead when/if Manchester United and/or Chelsea come knocking for the consistently overachieving Crystal Palace manager.

Having threatened to walk out if Marc Guehi was sold without replacement because of the impossible damage it would cause to Palace, would he feel willing or able to toddle off into the sunset himself to join one of the very biggest yet stupidest clubs in the Premier League?

Only Glasner can provide the answer to that question, but what we really hope happens – and we don’t remotely care which way round this happens – is for Glasner to turn down one of them due to his loyalty to Palace only to join the other a fortnight later.

2. Unai Emery

It does feel like if Emery is going to make another stab at Premier League Big Six management he might need to make the leap soon, lest Aston Villa’s ongoing travails tarnish his reputation further.

Doesn’t yet seem like he’s fully in the glare of the spotlight for a stuttering start to the season, but that is a tide that quickly turn if Villa’s formline doesn’t.

Chelsea fans might be less enamoured with this idea than they would have been a year ago, but it is worth considering that Emery retains a large quantity of hair.

1. Xavi

He’s going to be the top contender for any big job that comes around, and he’s been linked with every big Premier League job that’s either been available or felt like it might come available over the last year or so, and also the Tottenham job as well.

He’s made it fairly clear he’s pretty open to managing in the Premier League should the right job/paycheque come along, but with Chelsea there would presumably be some need for the latter to pull its weight given his own description of the sort of job he’s looking for:

‘There’s no hurry for me, but I’d like a good project. Like, ‘You have four years to work and make a project’. I’d love to work in the Premier League, I love the passion there. In Spain, it’s too much about the result.’

The last Chelsea manager to last four whole years was John Neal, who was forced into retirement by ill health after completing his fourth season with what was then a yo-yo club, because it was 1985.