Look how smug Eddie Howe is about his ‘masterstroke’ for Newcastle…

Newcastle United beat Bradford City 4-1 and that really does prove a ‘masterstroke’ from Eddie Howe.

We also have Eberechi Eze finding a ‘magical position’ that he simply didn’t play, as well as Manchester United defying all definitions of ‘worth’.

Howe on earth did he manage that win v Bradford?

Mediawatch is well aware that we are not the target audience for the Newcastle United propaganda peddled by the Chronicle but we absolutely had to laugh at this bombastic nonsense…

Eddie Howe’s masterstroke pays off as Newcastle United serve up scary stats in cup rout

Champions League club Newcastle United beat League One Bradford City 4-1 (who made five changes from their last league game) at home so we are already sceptical about the idea of any kind of ‘masterstroke’. And then we were told what this ‘masterstroke’ entailed and we almost laughed our tits clean off.

Eddie Howe’s decision to rest both Bruno Guimaraes and Joelinton at Bournemouth may have proved to be a bit of a masterstroke.

Eddie Howe’s decision to rest both Bruno Guimaraes and Joelinton at Bournemouth directly led to them producing one shot on target at Bournemouth, which has left them 13th in the Premier League table with the second-lowest goals total for the season.

It may also have led them to the ‘scary stats’ of 26 goal attempts and 77% possession against Bradford, but we suspect fans would have taken a few less shots and a little less possession in a clash with League One opposition for two more points in the Premier League.

Bruno ‘put in a near faultless performance at St James’ Park’, apparently. I mean, we should bloody well hope so.

Elsewhere on the same website, we’re told that ‘Newcastle United make Lewis Miley decision after perfect audition for Arsenal clash’.

Is a League Cup game against Bradford City the ‘perfect audition’ to face Arsenal? Is it balls. And the sad thing is that we suspect that Newcastle United writer Lee Ryder absolutely knows this, but when you are tasked with writing six stories on one cruise of a game against a weakened Bradford City side, what the f*** else can you do?

He literally wrote after the 0-0 draw with Bournemouth that Miley ‘battled well but will struggle to stay in the side on the back of this’ and he was absolutely right; there is zero doubt that Bruno Guimaraes, Sandro Tonali and Joelinton will be the midfield on Sunday against the Gunners.

And yet here Ryder is a few days later writing that ‘he has proved in back to back matches he has what it takes to swim not sink when thrown in at the deep end’.

When you read that ‘Lewis Miley looked to be exactly where he is meant to be last night at St James’ Park’, it was hard not to think ‘yes, against lower-league opposition’.

Do we have to pretend this was a ‘perfect audition’ for an entirely different class of opposition just days after he was outplayed in midfield at Bournemouth? Apparently so, because content innit.

What’s in a number?

But the Newcastle United Information Service were not the only ones getting carried away by the Carabao Cup with Ian Herbert of the Daily Mail writing that Eberechi Eze ‘staked a serious claim last night’ to ‘the No 10 role which is his natural position’.

And this ‘serious claim’ came in a game against a team 19th in League One.

As for ‘that magical position he feels he was borne for’ (sic), Herbert does rather dilute his (laboured) point when he was forced to admit that Eze and Ethan Nwaneri were ‘operating as a pair of eights, to be quite precise’. Is that position still ‘magical’?

When is £156m not worth £156m? When it’s at Manchester United

Over at The Sun, Samuel Luckhurst is getting his shiny shoes under a new table by writing that ‘CASEMIRO is set to lead the most high-profile Manchester United exodus in four years’.

Hands up anybody who is remotely surprised that Casemiro – soon to be 34 – will be allowed to leave on a free transfer next summer. Or that Jadon Sancho and Tyrell Malacia will follow him.

Even Manchester United would not be ridiculous enough to offer a new contract to the Brazilian. Would they? WOULD THEY?

But we have no beef with Luckhurst here; it’s not groundbreaking and it’s absolutely not an EXCLUSIVE but a man has to do a job, and his job is to churn out content on Manchester United.

But the headline did make us cringe:

Man Utd to cut losses on £156MILLION worth of talent to fund Carlos Baleba transfer…but Maguire to get new contract

‘Worth’? There’s a massive sodding difference between what footballers are ‘worth’ and what they cost.

But the galling thing is that this line is then blithely repeated elsewhere, with The Sun’s supposed rivals at the Daily Mirror merrily doing a chop-and-shop job.

Man Utd ready to let trio worth £156m leave for FREE to fund huge summer transfer

Of course they will let them go for FREE; they will be OUT OF CONTRACT. And they are ‘worth’ nowhere close to £156m. You could move the decimal place and make it £1.56m and you would be a whole lot closer.

And over at Luckhurst’s old stomping ground of the Manchester Evening News, we are told that ‘Manchester United are prepared to let three of Erik ten Hag’s costly transfer flops leave on a free transfer’.

Prepared? They can’t bloody wait.